While washing dishes the other day, I found myself singing Katy Perry's hit single "I Kissed A Girl," only I substituted "boy" for "girl" in the lyrics of the chorus . It's just a funny, catchy little pop song, and not anything "deep" or profound, but it nevertheless got me thinking about how easy it can be to take the taboo of gay sex (and the thrill of violating that taboo) for granted.

It's now been nearly thirteen years since I "came out" during my sophomore year of college, and I was messing around with boys long before that. Since that time, I've enjoyed my fair share of hot same-sex encounters and watched so much gay porn that I've probably earned a place in the Guiness Book of World Records ! That's a hell of a lot of male-on-male kissing, dick-sucking, ass-eating, and butt-fucking since the first breathless, terrifying, heart-poundingly exhilarating moment when I first experimented with another boy as a young teenager.

Now don't get me wrong -- I'm still just as horny and sex-crazed as ever, and it's not like I've ever lost my awe and appreciation for the beauty of the male body or the thrill of gay sex. In fact, I think the intensity of my sexual imagination and obvious lust for most of my models brings a fresh erotic edge to my videos that a lot of gay porn lacks. Still, I think too often I lose my sense of the sheer taboo of gay sex, that euphoric rush that comes with surrendering to something that "feels so wrong" but "feels so right" at the same time (to paraphrase the song lyrics).

I long ago stopped giving a fuck about what my family or church or society thinks about my sexuality, which is usually a good thing. But I also think something gets lost in that process, and that is the heightened sense of doing something wicked and forbidden and "unnatural." As silly as the Katy Perry song is overall, I think it does a good job of capturing that thrill of exploring a sexual taboo for the first time.

Now I'd never want to return to the closet for anything -- the awful weight of shame and self-hatred sure as hell isn't worth the occasional sexual thrills that come with it. Still, sometimes while watching a hardcore gay sex scene, I like to step back and take a minute to remind myself that I'm actually watching a man's dick penetrating another man's asshole. Or right before diving in between a hot black boy's buttocks for some hungry, horny ass-eating, I'll think of how inexplicably strange it is that I'm so eager to lick another guy's ass, how "disgusting" and "depraved" that must seem to so many in the heterosexual world. And for whatever reason, thinking of such things makes me savor the experience even more !



I think too often I also take for granted the taboos surrounding interracial sex.

As I've explained in past entries, I grew up in predominantly black neighborhoods, schools, and churches, which means I've been lusting after and messing around with black guys for as long as I can remember. Consequently, when having sex with black guys I don't really share the same sense of suspense and excitement experienced by white guys who've had more racially segregrated upbringings and have therefore built up more racialized erotic stereotypes and taboos in their minds. Again, I wouldn't trade in the way I was raised for anything, but that's not to say there aren't moments when I envy those who experience interracial sex as something new and forbidden.

The ironic thing is that the times I've come closest to experiencing that is when I've hooked up with young black guys who've always fantasized about having sex with a white guy but never had the courage or opportunity to pursue it. I'm talking about the young street thug types who've barely even interacted with any white people other than cops or teachers or employers. I love seeing that look in their eyes of fear mixed with curiosity and desire, like I'm some kind of exotic zoo animal that might bite them if they come too close. I love that tentative first kiss, that first wary touch of my face and lips and hair, the mingling of new smells and the almost child-like amusement at the contrast of my pasty-white skin against theirs. In a perfect world, of course, the very notion of "race," along with such socialized sensitivity to racial differences, wouldn't exist. But we don't live in that world, and in the world that exists today, such things can inspire many sizzling-hot erotic encounters!

I guess all I'm trying to say (I'm really just thinking out loud) is that in my everyday life, interracial male-on-male sex might be the norm, but I never want to take for granted just how exciting and extraordinary both can be!